I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
