stop calling my apartment porn island.
a search helicopter?!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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