So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
