Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
