PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
