there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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