I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
