I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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