I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
