I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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