Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
