I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
