Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
