I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
