Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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