I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
