dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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