How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
