I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
