I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
