if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
