I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just gargled with NyQuil
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
