Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
