can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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