the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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