There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
