he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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