I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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