You can't special order awesome
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
