only you would photoshop your dick
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
