I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
