ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
