there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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