Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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