Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
