I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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