He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
