the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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