New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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