I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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