I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yo dont text me then not text me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
