I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
