Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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