I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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