ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
