did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
