Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
