so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How does one acquire holy water?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
