Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
