Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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