The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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