Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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