We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
