your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
